me

i'm in the middle of nowhere...

2009-09-28T05:15:02Z

Life feels pretty pointless these days. It takes all of the energy I have to get out of the bed. No one seems to understand, and I don't know if they even care. I should be feeling happy, but all of these worries keep nagging at my brain.
One thing that I am looking forward to is my divorce. I know that is weird...but considering everything that I have been through in the marriage, divorce seems like winning a price or something. I go on the 30th to sign the papers at my lawyer's office. I am thankful that it's almost over. That's what I've got to look forward to.
I'm getting my financial aid check here in a couple of weeks, so that is pleasing as well.
I'm trying to be happy, trying to set some goals, trying to find some kind of meaning...but the negative dreary thoughts are eating away at me. I feel hopeless. I hope that I'll snap out of it soon. The Paxil is definately not working. It feels almost pointless to take it. I know that if I stop it I will get sicker and feel worse. The withdrawal symptoms are awful, especially since I have been on antidepressants for about 10 years now. 10 years of swallowing those pills every night before I go to bed, 10 years of making sure I have enough to last so I won't feel too crazy. 10 years too long. That is what I think.

feeling lame tonight.

2009-04-26T04:56:34Z

for some reason i just feel like crying. i don't think that there is a reason for this, but i feel like shit tonight.

yesterday was my youngest nephew's birthday. my family didn't get to see him. haven't been able to spend time with my nephews since last june. i wish that things were different. i know that my brother is really stressing out b/c he hasn't seen his kids in months. i don't understand why my sister-n-law has to be so difficult and heartless. nobody has done anything to her. it sucks!

i had a cat that i kept in my house, i accidentally left my window open and she snuck out of the house. now she's been gone for hours. i'm upset about that. i love her. i am hoping that she will come back home.

i keep on thinking that i should've just let chris stay in kingsport. he hates big stone gap. i hate it too...but i feel as though he would be happier, or well somewhat numb if he had've stayed in kingsport. i just wanted to help him out. i love him and want to be with him, but i don't like the fact that he is unhappy...it makes me unhappy also.

i've been so tired lately. all i want to do is go back to sleep when i am awake...and when i am sleeping i don't want to wake up. i have to drink coffee just to feel somewhat alive. i'm praying for some energy.

i'm just wondering when things are going to get better. i'm stressed out and feeling very depressed. :(

ode to my chris.

2009-04-24T06:08:58Z

i've been very tired lately. the coffee just isn't doing the trick. yawn!

i'm so glad that chris has been staying at my house. he keeps me feeling good. no one has ever made me laugh more than him. sigh! :) my family loves him. i love his mom and his sis. everything is going great for us. i feel like i've got it all now that i am with him. i'm in love. it doesn't hurt that he is also VERY cute. tall, dark, and handsome. i've got it made. it feels like a dream tho, i'm afraid that one day i'll wake up and he won't be around anymore. i never knew i could love someone so much.

i still get depressed and nervous and stuff, but with him by my side i feel better. he knows what to do when i get all nervous. he helps me with it. so that is yet another plus. i couldn't ask for anyone better.

divorce isn't always a bad thing...

2009-04-17T05:33:36Z

i can't wait until i get to sign the papers. i wasted so many years being unhappy. i've learned alot from the past few years. if something is not meant to be it isn't going to work.

alot of good has came out of my seperation.

one of the best things out of all of this is: i have gotten to know the most caring and thoughtful person ever. he's been around for the past 14 years or so...i can't believe it has taken me sooo long to get to know him. i'm very happy to have him in my life now. i've never been treated so good. words cannot describe how i feel about him. i'm very very very thankful to have you in my life chris! i <3 u!

yay! so here i am on lj again.

2009-04-06T02:28:11Z

i just felt like posting something...even tho no one is going to read this besides you chris.

welps, that's about it for now.

later.